Saltine Crackers
Serves 1
Ingredient:
Saltine Crackers
Needed:
Vacuum
Chip-clip
Steps to Prep:
Open the box of crackers, and carefully remove one sleeve of the sealed crackers. Gently open the wrapper, careful not to damage the goods, as broken crackers don’t taste as good as whole ones. Remove an amount that you consider a good serving size, could be two, could be 10, we don’t judge. Hold the cracker between your thumb and forefinger, and for a sophisticated look, keep your pinkie extended. Insert cracker into your pie-hole. Chew. You can then either spit out the paste in your mouth to use as mortar in your model home, or you can work your tongue to remove the glob from the roof of your mouth and attempt to swallow. These crackers are salted because there is literally no flavor to these pasty squares without the salt. Once you’ve completed consumption, put a chip-clip on the wrapper to prevent the rest of the crackers from immediately becoming stale…in fact they will probably still go stale, but at least you tried. Vacuum the area around you for crumbs, because we know you got crumbs everywhere.
Pro-Tip:
These lil guys can come in handy if you are around someone who feels like puking. These crackers, commonly thought to “settle your stomach,” simply distract you with chewing long enough that your body changes its mind about forcing you to upchuck. Keep a supply in your car to protect your smooth leather interiors from carsick passengers…aka late-night Uber riders.
Warning:
In order to safely consume these you may need a second ingredient, water, to wash them down. Our two-ingredient cookbook is not yet released, so maybe hold off on consumption until its release, for your safety.